The Letter Before Battle
by Boulderstar2000
Summary: Shepard sends Kaidan one last message before she heads through the Omega relay.


**In my US history class, we read this beautiful letter by a civil war soldier to his wife (you can find it here). It inspired me to write this fic which is, in a way, a tribute to the original, with the letter Shepard sends being an edited version of the original one. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!**

 **(Reviews are always appreciated!)**

Kaidan sighed and sat down at his terminal in his quarters. Today had been luckily uneventful, and he was ready to read through his messages, take a shower, and finally get some rest.

Pulling up his messages, he saw he only had a couple notifications. One was his friend's honeymoon pictures from Hawaii back on Earth, one was just some spam mail, but when he saw the sender of the last message, he froze.

Shepard.

Her name stood out like a beacon, sending his emotions catapulting across his chest. It had been a while since she had sent him a message; the last time was after Horizon, when he apologized. He admitted she was on his mind quite frequently, and had been tempted to message her again many times, but had always deleted it halfway through. Every word he wrote did not seem _real_ enough; he wished he could see her in person.

And here Shepard was, sending him a message of her own.

With a clammy hand, Kaidan clicked to open it.

Subject Line: Sahrabarik System, Omega Nebula

Kaidan:

The indications are very strong that we will go through the Omega relay in a few days – perhaps tomorrow. Should I not be able to send another message to you, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

Our movement may be one of a few days' duration and go without a hitch – or it may be one of severe conflict and death. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for the future of the human race, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged in; my courage does not halt or falter. I am willing – perfectly willing – to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain the peace of the galaxy, and to pay the debt of those who have served before me.

But, my dear…friend? Companion? I do not know what we are anymore, I know not what you think of me now – when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours which you so recently regained, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows. Is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my fellow soldier, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of my nation?

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm night, when my most trusted crew are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death – and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am filling myself with hope, and communing with you.

I have sought most closely and diligently and often in my heart for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved, and I could not find one. A pure love of my fellow men and the name of honor that I love more than I fear death have called, and I obey. Perhaps it is the only true thing I obey.

Kaidan, my love for you is deathless; it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of the need to do what I feel is right, even if it might be through suspicious measures or suspicious people, comes over me like a strong wind and bears be irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to you that I have enjoyed them when I had the chance. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen the world grow into a more beautiful place around us. I have, I know, but a nonexistent knowledge of the future, but something whispers to me that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, Kaidan, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from beyond the grave and hover near you, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But Kaidan, if the dead can come back to this existence and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night – amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours – always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Kaidan, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and waiting for you, for we shall meet again.

-Shepard

Kaidan's eyes stung; the light of the monitor danced in the water pooling in them.

He took a deep breath, looked one last time over the words, shut down the terminal, and stood up. He needed to get a shower and go to bed; tomorrow was still coming, along with all his responsibilities. Pushing all his emotions into the box he had built for them, he headed to the bathroom to wash away the day.

…

Hair still damp from the shower, Kaidan laid down in bed and stared up at the plain ceiling.

He hoped he would get another message from Shepard.


End file.
